Promoted from the Ricochet Member Feed by Editors Created with Sketch. Let’s Talk About Sex Again

 

The efforts to redefine rape on campuses would be amusing if they weren’t so dangerous. But I think we need to ask ourselves why the sex-with-no-consequences-ever crowd is suddenly a champion of sex-with-hyperbolic-consequences unless it is accompanied by lots and lots of yeses. I’m wondering, do both participants have to constantly say “yes” or only the females involved? Life is so confusing these days.

It doesn’t, however, need to be confusing. The truth is that “casual sex” has always been a myth, because men and women do not approach sex in the same way, which makes it a minefield. Two “consenting adults” probably have, in other words, wildly different ideas about what is going on and what it means. It turns out that sex is not just a powerful drive and a pleasurable physical sensation, it has social, emotional, mental and spiritual consequences that complicate what the kids have been told. All that extra baggage makes it possible — even likely — that without some mores, restrictions and good old-fashioned truth-telling, men and women will use and abuse one another through sex. Who woulda thunk it?

News flash: unlimited yeses do not constitute mores that guide moral behavior. What’s curious is that campuses are trying to do what social mores and custom once did, only from the back end. They are trying to control the explosive and dangerous potential of sex without walking back the “casual sex” myth and telling young people that sex is not just about physical pleasure. Curiously, our society has elevated sex to the be-all and end-all of life without giving it any depth. What could go wrong?

We have a real problem here, but the way to turn things around is pretty obvious. The answer lies in telling the truth to young people in sex education classes around the country. You don’t need to use a religious approach to do it, though kids armed with religion stand a better chance of resisting ubiquitous lies about sex. The truth is that being “consenting adults” or “consenting teenagers” is not enough, not by a long shot, because the pill did not make men and women regard sex in the same way. Also, the pill did not change the fact that when we give our bodies to another person, the rest of us participates too — our emotions, our need for love, affirmation, and being valued and appreciated for our whole selves. The potential for hurt, misunderstanding and all kinds of damage is simply endless.

Of course teenagers are raging hormone factories, and some will succumb to that, but we need to tell them that it is possible to resist, that if they are truly concerned for that person they think they love, they will resist. They need to be taught that sex is serious. I think we will find that if we teach them the truth, kids will be able to internalize values so that they can control themselves instead of relying on the astonishingly silly and superficial “control” mechanism of demanding an unending series of yeses.

What’s interesting to me is that at bottom everybody knows that sex is serious. Rom-coms regularly affirm it. Casual, uncaring sex is not celebrated in movies about romance because it’s not romantic. On the contrary, it makes what ought to be romantic sordid. The whole formula of rom-coms is to show a process — two people are attracted to one another, though they might even superficially dislike each other at first, and they overcome obstacles as they get to know and understand each other better, which leads to love, respect and the permanent commitment of marriage. It’s a tale as old as time and true as it can be, as Mrs. Teapot from Beauty and the Beast reminds us. Since everybody knows this on some level, would it be so hard to stress the point in sex education classes? Let’s get past the idea that all behavior is equal. Some behavior really is bad and destructive.

And while we’re at it, in those classes, could we also tell kids that they can avoid poverty for themselves and their future spouses and children by doing just four things — graduating from high school, getting a job, waiting until after marriage to have kids and staying married to raise those kids? If we taught them the truth, I think we’d find that kids are not so stupid as we think. They want to avoid the pitfalls of life, but currently are not being taught what they need to know to do so.

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  1. Aaron Miller Member
    Aaron Miller Joined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    Well said.

    It honestly never occurred to me before how strange it is that “sex education” in schools and countless bureaucratic advisories are restricted to the physical consequences of pregnancy and possibly disease transmission. So much hysteria revolves around bullying these days even when it’s strictly emotional, yet emotional health is ignored in regard to sex.

    From my terribly archaic religious point of view, it goes to show that these people are being manipulated by evil. The circumstances are too obviously self-contradictory and too perfect for inflicting harm to be happenstance.

    I once talked about the significance of sex with a former stripper. She claimed that sex could be only physical (no personal/emotional consequences), but after hearing her tell of past encounters I was never sure if she actually believed what she was saying.

    Another girl I knew often looked at pornography and was in the process of writing a sex novel. She was interested in many strange things, but claimed that her own sexual preferences were “pretty vanilla”.

    There seems to be a common disconnect among liberals between their casual philosophies (when considering society in general) and their behaviors (when considering only themselves).

    • #1
    • October 24, 2014, at 9:29 AM PDT
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  2. EJHill Podcaster
    EJHill Joined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    Do you know what amazes me? For forty years the left has dedicated itself to the cause of inconsequential sex. Abortion, contraception, AIDS awareness and funding, free love… It goes on and on and on. Now the mantra is that sex should have consequences for SOMEONE. And we get to determine that on the fly and on the day of our choosing.

    Is this really just the start of the pendulum swing? Will another 20 years bring in the new era of Victorian morality? Or is it just the latest sign of our decent into Marxism and the establishment of purge panels where young men can have their lives destroyed even before they get out of college?

    • #2
    • October 24, 2014, at 9:30 AM PDT
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  3. Aaron Miller Member
    Aaron Miller Joined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    EJHill: Is this really just the start of the pendulum swing? Will another 20 years bring in the new era of Victorian morality?

    The 1950s were opposite of the 1930s in many ways. The pendulum swung to the Right, pushing eugenics and sexual liberties back out of the limelight for a while. But is there any doubt that the 1960s swung the culture further Left than the 1930s? Have we at any time since moved as far Right as the ’50s ever were?

    I’m sure we could debate how to measure those conditions. But it seems obvious to me that, though the pendulum never stops swinging, American culture (like all Western cultures) has generally been moving Left for centuries.

    There was never an ideal era and there never will be. But history is forever meandering toward a final confrontation.

    • #3
    • October 24, 2014, at 9:40 AM PDT
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  4. Matt Bartle Member
    Matt Bartle Joined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    If this continues they might even end up telling young men to “treat her like a lady.”

    And then – who knows? – they might suggest to young women that they act like ladies.

    • #4
    • October 24, 2014, at 9:50 AM PDT
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  5. EJHill Podcaster
    EJHill Joined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    We used to say, “If it walks like a duck…” But now we find nothing odd about a woman who says, “Let me dress like a hooker, act like a slut, but treat me like a lady.”?!?!

    • #5
    • October 24, 2014, at 10:03 AM PDT
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  6. The (apathetic) King Prawn Inactive

    I’m reminded of this post from D.C. McAllister a while back (https://ricochet.com/archives/sex-hurts/).

    I find it ironic how the left thinks sexual consent can be so cut and dry as saying yes in triplicate. They’ve managed to take all the fun and sport out of sex. They’ve devolved it to masturbation with another person’s body.

    Do they really think consent to physical romance can be this sterile and retain any of its charm and allure? I’ve been married almost 15 years (11 days to go, and I still haven’t even ordered the flowers!!!), and my wife and I are still learning how to do this right and better. One thing I know with absolute certainty is that a text verifying consent is right out.

    • #6
    • October 24, 2014, at 10:07 AM PDT
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  7. Merina Smith Inactive
    Merina Smith

    I theorize that the left uses sex to attract voters, which is why they support abortion and accuse Republicans of being anti-birth control, use idiots like Sandra Fluke as a spokesman, and insist that all insurance plans provide birth control, and now, here in CA, abortion. They are the anti-responsiblility party, which has the advantage (for them) of increasing those who are dependent on the state and therefore likely to vote for the donkey.

    EJ and Aaron–I pray for the pendulum swing back. And it might happen. First of all, it’s the sensible way to live, and second of all, being continent has now become edgy. I do think, however, that the new campus rules are a tacit admission that sex has consequences, which is progress.

    • #7
    • October 24, 2014, at 10:13 AM PDT
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  8. MarciN Member

    What I find troubling is the sexualized environment our kids live in today. Given that delaying sexual activity is good for kids for about a million reasons, wouldn’t a clear-thinking adult minimize the amount of exposure a kid has to sexual references and literature and opportunities? I would be interested in distraction–keep them busy until they are old enough to handle it wisely. And the schools are, to me, the worst offenders when it comes to giving kids sexualized experiences and reading materials.

    • #8
    • October 24, 2014, at 10:13 AM PDT
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  9. Aaron Miller Member
    Aaron Miller Joined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    The King Prawn: One thing I know with absolute certainty is that a text verifying consent is right out.

    How can you be sure unless you try? Let us know how it goes.

    The following picture seems mild enough to me. But if it bothers anyone, just flag it. It seems somehow appropriate to this conversation.

    [Edit: please click for the image, which is indeed mild. However, if you can believe it, Google Ads thinks it’s “Sexually Gratifying” and has demanded that we remove it. No. Really.]

    • #9
    • October 24, 2014, at 10:16 AM PDT
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  10. Merina Smith Inactive
    Merina Smith

    The King Prawn:I’m reminded of this post from D.C. McAllister a while back (https://ricochet.com/archives/sex-hurts/).

    I find it ironic how the left thinks sexual consent can be so cut and dry as saying yes in triplicate. They’ve managed to take all the fun and sport out of sex. They’ve devolved it to masturbation with another person’s body.

    Do they really think consent to physical romance can be this sterile and retain any of its charm and allure? I’ve been married almost 15 years (11 days to go, and I still haven’t even ordered the flowers!!!), and my wife and I are still learning how to do this right and better. One thing I know with absolute certainty is that a text verifying consent is right out.

    Hoo boy–I remember charging into the debate that followed that post with both guns blazing! It earned me a much-appreciated PM from Denise. Fun times.

    I’ve been married 38 years, KP, and my husband still brings me flowers. Back when we were much poorer and had little kids, he’d bring flowers and I’d think about saying that perhaps we should spend that money on something that didn’t wilt. But I never did because those flowers meant a lot to both of us and they still do.

    • #10
    • October 24, 2014, at 10:19 AM PDT
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  11. Merina Smith Inactive
    Merina Smith

    MarciN:What I find troubling is the sexualized environment our kids live in today. Given that delaying sexual activity is good for kids for about a million reasons, wouldn’t a clear-thinking adult minimize the amount of exposure a kid has to sexual references and literature and opportunities? I would be interested in distraction–keep them busy until they are old enough to handle it wisely. And the schools are, to me, the worst offenders when it comes to giving kids sexualized experiences and reading materials.

    Yes–they start with it in kindergarten. I have a 70-year-old friend whose 8-year-old granddaughter asked her if she and a male friend were having sex. Here in CA, the schools are so anxious to teach that all kinds of sex are great that they forget that little kids don’t need, or I daresay want, to have all that information forced on them. I begin to think that the greatest gift we can give our kids is an innocent childhood.

    • #11
    • October 24, 2014, at 10:22 AM PDT
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  12. Guruforhire Member

    Apparently I was repeated and vigorously raped by a lesbian from Oklahoma. Here I thought I was just getting pretty nice tail on the regular. But I have since learned that this was all false consciousness, and that since i had been drinking when these events took place I could not possibly consent.

    Or was it the time, that I woke up spreadeagle on the floor of a sorority house without my pants? Its all such a blur. The trauma of it all, attractive girls giving me muffins in the morning. Not only did I get assaulted (had to have been, hence no pants), they were trying to further their sick pleasure at my expense by giving me a muffin which has GLUTEN, and CARBS. From what I DO remember of the night, I dodged a real bullet that even with black out drunk beer goggles (I still shudder 16 years later).

    Or….. Pro-tip: If you are old enough to get drunk as a skunk, you are old enough to take the walk of shame like a boss.

    • #12
    • October 24, 2014, at 10:36 AM PDT
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  13. Aaron Miller Member
    Aaron Miller Joined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    Merina Smith: I have a 70-year-old friend whose 8-year-old granddaughter asked her if she and a male friend were having sex.

    To which she undoubtedly responded, “Are you kidding? Boys have cooties!”

    • #13
    • October 24, 2014, at 10:37 AM PDT
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  14. Done Contributor

    Merina Smith:The efforts to redefine rape on campuses would be amusing if they weren’t so dangerous. But I think we need to ask ourselves why the sex-with-no-consequences-ever crowd is suddenly a champion of sex-with-hyperbolic-consequences unless it is accompanied by lots and lots of yeses.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xIVy5XdQhOM

    • #14
    • October 24, 2014, at 10:38 AM PDT
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  15. Mike H Coolidge

    The King Prawn: I’ve been married almost 15 years…

    Thanks for reminding me today is my 5th.

    • #15
    • October 24, 2014, at 10:39 AM PDT
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  16. Done Contributor

    Merina Smith: I’m wondering, do both participants have to constantly say “yes” or only the females involved? Life is so confusing these days.

    Theoretically, if a man makes the complaint after the fact, the woman is in trouble if he wasn’t constantly saying yes. If the woman makes the complaint, than the man is in trouble if she wasn’t constantly saying yes.

    The incentive for young men created by this law would seem to be, the day after casual sex, make your complaint before she does.

    • #16
    • October 24, 2014, at 10:41 AM PDT
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  17. Guruforhire Member

    Frank Soto:

    Merina Smith: I’m wondering, do both participants have to constantly say “yes” or only the females involved? Life is so confusing these days.

    Theoretically, if a man makes the complaint after the fact, the woman is in trouble if he wasn’t constantly saying yes. If the woman makes the complaint, than the man is in trouble if she wasn’t constantly saying yes.

    The incentive for young men created by this law would seem to be that, the day after casual sex, make your complaint before she does.

    I actually got a CID Agent in the army, during of the “dont rape your buddy” briefings, to explain the “if 2 drunk people have sex, and someone’s word alone is enough to convict, but you are innocent until proven guilty” works. Basically he told me that in the morning its a foot race to CID to write a complaint. So. Don’t slack on your PT guys.

    • #17
    • October 24, 2014, at 10:46 AM PDT
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  18. Aaron Miller Member
    Aaron Miller Joined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    Frank Soto: The incentive for young men created by this law would seem to be, the day after casual sex, make your complaint before she does.

    Surprisingly, Hollywood actually produced a movie once that toyed with the idea of a woman “raping” a man by merely seducing him “against his will” (I’m guessing that’s the correct phrase): Disclosure.

    I didn’t realize until today that the screenplay was written by Michael Crichton. It figures that the idea originated outside of Hollywood.

    • #18
    • October 24, 2014, at 10:52 AM PDT
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  19. EJHill Podcaster
    EJHill Joined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    Attention investors, code writers and men in general. Let’s get going on the Ricochet Consensual Sex App. Both parties will download it to their smartphones and will exchange consent codes at every step. Reminders can be sent in 5 minute increments. And it will all be administered by a fully trained Title IX Certified Sex Counselor!

    We can apply for government grants, take ads for ED drugs and condoms… Oh, the money we could make!

    • #19
    • October 24, 2014, at 11:02 AM PDT
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  20. Done Contributor

    EJHill:Attention investors, code writers and men in general. Let’s get going on the Ricochet Consensual Sex App. Both parties will download it to their smartphones and will exchange consent codes at every step. Reminders can be sent in 5 minute increments. And it will all be administered by a fully trained Title IX Certified Sex Counselor!

    We can apply for government grants, take ads for ED drugs and condoms… Oh, the money we could make!

    You joke, but this was created, but then Apple pulled it from their store.

    • #20
    • October 24, 2014, at 11:04 AM PDT
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  21. Merina Smith Inactive
    Merina Smith

    EJHill:Attention investors, code writers and men in general. Let’s get going on the Ricochet Consensual Sex App. Both parties will download it to their smartphones and will exchange consent codes at every step. Reminders can be sent in 5 minute increments. And it will all be administered by a fully trained Title IX Certified Sex Counselor!

    We can apply for government grants, take ads for ED drugs and condoms… Oh, the money we could make!

    EJ, could you create a graphic for that please?

    • #21
    • October 24, 2014, at 11:05 AM PDT
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  22. Done Contributor

    Also, I agree with everything Merina is saying here.

    • #22
    • October 24, 2014, at 11:08 AM PDT
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  23. EThompson Inactive

    I’m not at all surprised at this latest *crisis on campus.* Feminists are doing what any civil rights group in 21st century America is doing – looking for work.

    • #23
    • October 24, 2014, at 11:24 AM PDT
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  24. MarciN Member

    Merina Smith:

    MarciN:What I find troubling is the sexualized environment our kids live in today. Given that delaying sexual activity is good for kids for about a million reasons, wouldn’t a clear-thinking adult minimize the amount of exposure a kid has to sexual references and literature and opportunities? I would be interested in distraction–keep them busy until they are old enough to handle it wisely. And the schools are, to me, the worst offenders when it comes to giving kids sexualized experiences and reading materials.

    Yes–they start with it in kindergarten. I have a 70-year-old friend whose 8-year-old granddaughter asked her if she and a male friend were having sex. Here in CA, the schools are so anxious to teach that all kinds of sex are great that they forget that little kids don’t need, or I daresay want, to have all that information forced on them. I begin to think that the greatest gift we can give our kids is an innocent childhood.

    A thousand yeses here.

    And guess what: Kids who grow up with an innocent childhood wait longer to have sexual experiences. We KNOW that. So, . . . :)

    I understand that kids get exposed to smut in the outside world, and there’s nothing I can do about that. But when schools give the kids The Color Purple to read, I can’t forgive them. Geesh. What comes from schools should be wholesome.

    That was a huge and bad by-product of the gay rights movement in Massachusetts, and I’m guessing elsewhere too: by all means let’s start talking about sex when the kids are in kindergarten. One teacher said, “But we need to teach them about tolerance.” Seriously?!?

    • #24
    • October 24, 2014, at 11:25 AM PDT
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  25. Merina Smith Inactive
    Merina Smith

    It’s ironic that everyone has forgotten what real tolerance is these days and instead uses that venerated concept to foist inappropriate sexual content on children.

    • #25
    • October 24, 2014, at 11:29 AM PDT
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  26. MarciN Member

    Merina Smith:It’s ironic that everyone has forgotten what real tolerance is these days and instead uses that venerated concept to foist inappropriate sexual content on children.

    It is so true.

    I ran the book fairs myself at our middle schools. There was no Judy Blume. Just the classics, please. And guess what? The kids were happy with Tom Sawyer.

    I’m in publishing, and because it’s my industry, I am particularly hard on them. Let me say that there is no CEO of a major publisher that would give his or her kids the Sweet Valley High books. They know better. They are selling this garbage to kids whose parents don’t read the books.

    It is very upsetting to me. They pollute the minds of the kids. These are Whole Foods people who would never give their kids a commercial candy bar.

    • #26
    • October 24, 2014, at 11:36 AM PDT
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  27. EJHill Podcaster
    EJHill Joined in the first year of Ricochet Ricochet Charter Member

    Merina Smith: EJ, could you create a graphic for that please?

    If this screen shot doesn’t scream romance, I don’t know what does!

    Screenshot

    • #27
    • October 24, 2014, at 11:43 AM PDT
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  28. Tree Rat Member

    And then – who knows? – they might suggest to young women that they act like ladies

    That’s just crazy talk.

    • #28
    • October 24, 2014, at 11:52 AM PDT
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  29. MarciN Member

    EThompson:I’m not at all surprised at this latest *crisis on campus.* Feminists are doing what any civil rights group in 21st century America is doing – looking for work.

    Now it’s my turn: So true! :) I have nothing to add. :)

    • #29
    • October 24, 2014, at 11:56 AM PDT
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  30. MarciN Member

    Merina Smith:It’s ironic that everyone has forgotten what real tolerance is these days and instead uses that venerated concept to foist inappropriate sexual content on children.

    Some kids are learning about sex before they find out that Santa Clause is working through their parents.

    A not-so-brave new world.

    • #30
    • October 24, 2014, at 12:00 PM PDT
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